I have come to the realization lately(well not really, but it is only recently that I realized that I should probably do something about it) that I put off a front as someone who doesn't care about much. I dont know exactly how I am seen, as I cant view myself through another persons perspective. There are probably only a handful of people in this world that have much of a knowedge of my inner workings. I do care. I think. I have dreams, aspirations, desires, emotions, struggles, fears, anxiety, confidence. I have a full pallate of colors that make up the portait inside me. I think the problem is that I often hold things back. Sometimes it is because i worry what other people might think. Sometimes it is because i cant align the thoughts in my mind to come out of my mouth correctly. Sometimes its because there is just too much swirling in my head at once to organize it. It is something that I have always had a problem with but have only recently become aware that I can get around. There have been some events in my life recently that have caused me to open up to a lot of people that I have know and it feels amazing. It didnt matter if I had known someone for 6 months, or 20 years there were things that I had held back from everyone. Finally I have figured out that it is ok to show my weaknesses. I can share my dreams. I can let my fears be known and I dont have to worry about being judged, because the odds are I wont be. And what if I am? what then? well who cares, there are always those who will judge and it doesnt matter. It's great to be me regardless of what anyone else thinks.
I am going to try adding something to every post and see how it goes.. for now new vocabulary. such as this one I picked up while reading the newspaper today:
oligarchy- a government in which the power is in the hands of a few